Category Archives: tristeza

by

Ten things I don’t know

1. I don’t know how I survived the destruction, the solitude, the abandonment. And yet I did.

2. I don’t know how this new stage of change will end, where it is leading. I feel there is nothing set, nothing established.

3. I don’t know how to change the things I am doing wrong. How to make others believe I can and want to change, and , more importantly, how to believe it myself.

4. I don’t know if i should have carried on. I was feeling so weak, so tired, so jaded. I don’t know if I could have. I don’t think I could have carried all my responsibility on my back and drag myself to the shore as well.

5. I don’t know how to face life again. I am afraid. I am hurt, incomplete.

6. I don’t know why I keep being optimistic in the face of adversity. I sometimes don’t understand myself and why it is that I hold on to life so much, so dearly. I don’t know why I still believe in happiness and love.

7. I don’t know what the limit of love is. I don’t know if it is true it lasts forever. That should be good if love is the promise of beauty and growth and the (re-)creation of life. It is not if it destroys the soul of the one who loves. It is not if it brings hell.

8. I don’t know what makes me so different to other people: I understand what goes on in them. But what goes on in me, is difficult to see for others.

9. I don’t know if destiny exists. But I believe that good things come from life. If one expects them, they come to our lives.

10. I don’t know if other people see life the way I do. If they enjoy the wind blowing their hair, feeing its coolness against the skin. If they feel that caress inside themselves. If they see the leaves of the trees dancing rhythmically and they think beauty, they think freedom, they think God.  I don’t know if life is too beautiful, too sweet, too short and too precious to others as it is for me.

My life has been what it has been. I have cried. I have failed to understand the cruelty and the intentions of others and sometimes myself. But I am alive. And I will find my way out of this darkness.

by

I had you

You cannot lose what you never had.

That is how I try to comfort myself.

But I had you. I had you in my dreams, in my ocean, in my arms.

I had your smell deep inside, where your voice dwells.

That voice that I loved so much and was never mine.

I had your hair round my fingers.

It is entangled with my memories and shall never leave.

I had your kisses in my mouth and your words in my ears.

I had your eyes in my step and your ears in my voice.

I had your hands tear up my skin and my hopes;

Surrounded my heart, they ripped it off to pieces.

And I had your lies in my soul that is now broken.

I had you so many times and now you’re gone.

by

Never Give All The Heart

Never give all the heart, for love
Will hardly seem worth thinking of
To passionate women if it seem
Certain, and they never dream
That it fades out from kiss to kiss;
For everything that’s lovely is
But a brief, dreamy, kind delight.
O never give the heart outright,
For they, for all smooth lips can say,
Have given their hearts up to the play.
And who could play it well enough
If deaf and dumb and blind with love?
He that made this knows all the cost,
For he gave all his heart and lost.

W.B. Yeats

by

This is the end

I dreamt of you.

I dreamt that I was losing you forever. I was merely a witness, you didn’t even look at me once. That hurt.

I then just walked away, went up a hill, talked to some kids. Went into a house, looking for a fairy doll that would help me build a new dream to live for. The man listened to me and showed me them.

I woke up. I cried.

I slept again. You were there again. Not your face, but I knew it was you. You left me. In silence. Without a word.

That was always you, I thought. But it still hurts.

I can only look to the future now. I am afraid that the dream might come true. But it’s always been true.

I just have to walk away, in silence. Without a single word from you. Not even a look.

And it hurts.

by

Awakening

What do I say to you now? I was stupid, I was rude, I never talked to you enough and now I can’t. I look back: I let almost thirty years go by. What use is love, if love can’t save you? What use is love if I can’t do anything for you anymore. I can’t soothe your pain. I can only hold  your hand. I can’t believe my eyes can still cry. I don’t understand life. I don’t understand pain. I don’t understand anything at all.

What do I cry for? What do I laugh for? What do I love for? It will be over all the same.

Wake up, get up. Let’s go out for a walk. There is a park near here. I want to show you the trees, can you feel the wind? Hold my hand, I’ll lead the way. Feel the grass under your feet. Smell the flowers, smell the breeze, feel it tousle your hair.

You don’t listen to me anymore. Look at me and don’t understand. I can’t ease your pain or your discomfort. I can’t do anything but look at how it all ends. I stand there, in the middle of nowhere, staring, helpless.

I am afraid. I am afraid of seeing you suffer. I am afraid of being selfish for not wanting to see you suffer. I am afraid of crying my life away. I am afraid of letting you go. I am afraid of life without you.

I am afraid of my life right now. Everything’s out of control. I just cannot see where I’m walking. My heart is broken, but I can’t tell you this. I try to gather the pieces and start afresh but I can’t. The wind keeps blowing them away. Do you understand? My heart is broken and I am afraid, I am tired and can’t see through the fog, the tears.

My heart is broken.

But life is also good to me. I can’t understand, I don’t know what I have done to deserve so many people being good to me. How, like magic, everything is going my way. I say a word and the Universe gives me what I ask for.

But my heart, my heart is broken. That’s always been a problem, you know, though I never told you before. I’ve tried to harden up, to be brave, to stop the tears, I can’t. But I have to learn the lesson with you. I have to be strong, you mustn’t see me cry. I am learning, but it hurts.

You can’t hear me now. My words evaporate before they reach you. They disintegrate the moment I speak them.

But don’t be afraid. When you open your eyes I shall be there, standing next to you, holding your hand next to my heart.

by

Lass of Aughrim

Well if you be the Lass of Aughrim
As I suppose you to be
Come give me the last token
Between you and me
Ah Gregory don’t you remember
That night on the hill
When we swapped rings off each other’s hands
Surely against my will
Mine was of the beaten gold
Yours but black tin
Yes mine was of the beaten gold
Yours but black tin
The rain falls on my yellow locks
And the dew it wets my skin;
My babe lies cold within my arms;
Lord Gregory, let me in.

by

You owe me nothing in return

I’ll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it
You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I’ll hold it
You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won’t judge it
(and there are no strings attached to it)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it’s my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I’ll grant it
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you’ll have it
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I’ll support it
You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I’ll understand it
(and there are no strings attached to it)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it’s my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

I bet you’re wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop
I bet you’re wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up
I bet you wonder how far you have now danced you way back into debt
This is the only kind of love as I understand it that there really is

You can express your deepest of truths even if it means I’ll lose you and I’ll hear it
You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss I’ll empathize with
You can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion I’ll hear it
You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life crisis and I’ll hold it
(and there are no strings attached)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it’s my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return.