I try hard to understand. I try to understand what I did or said that was so wrong, that was punishable with the worse of deaths: Oblivion. I try hard to understand if I was punished for something I gave or for something I didn’t give, for something that happened during my time in your life or before. I guess I’ll never know. I guess I was given a unilateral right to silence.
And I am angry. Angry and hurt which makes the worst combination possible. But you always made fun of my feelings. As if I was some kind of immature shadow of a woman. As if I didn´t have the right to feel. It appears this non-right was extended to my feelings of love for you. I am angry that you did not try to protect my heart or me, for that matter. I went from being unconditionally held in your heart of gold to being thrown in the street without a notice of eviction. That hurt. Especially under the light of my opening the doors of my heart and my home to you.
I am angry that you did not think me important enough or intelligent enough or mature enough to understand your reasons to leave. Or what I think was your only reason to leave: that you did not love me. All the other things you talked about were merely excuses, things that we could have worked out together had you wanted to. But you decided WE needed time away from each other, and indefinite amount of time which would probably amount to nothing since you don´t even know if you want to be with me. I am angry you made future plans with other people but refused to plan anything at all with me.
I am angry at myself for being so stupid and offering to wait for you, when that was never the question. The thing is, you know, I never even knew what the question was. Until yesterday, when you said you would not sleep until you finished your tasks. I then understood that you will never be there for me as I need you. I would have been there for you had you wanted me. I was willing to follow you. But you have chosen your path and you have chosen not to walk hand in hand with me. Perhaps you have found someone else to walk with you. Perhaps you think I am not worthy of tarnishing your path with the soles of my feet. Perhaps it is just that you want to walk it alone or that you think you do not deserve to be happy or have someone love you this much. I am angry that all these things are in my mind and I will never get an answer for them. Deep inside i feel l’m worth nothing and I feel abandoned. Again.
I am sad. Sad that I will never touch your body again. Sad that I cannot talk to you again with the palms of my hands, with my fingers on your skin, my head on your chest. Sad I’ll never feel you again. Sad that experience has taught me that this volume is over and that it is only me that does not want to shelve it, because I might still be able to write on it. I know I am deluded.
I am sad that we never learned to listen to each other. Sad that we didn´t get the chance to build anything together. We were together for only three “damn” months, you know. I can forgive many things, even things that mean letting you walk over me. But three “damn” months, that hurt, it did. That was for you, the summary of our relationship. I am sad I was so stupid I could not see this.
I am sad everytime I talked to you about love, you ignored me. But you reacted to my anger and agression by saying hurtful things. And I said hurtful things too. I never wanted to hurt the man I loved. But I did, and I am sorry for that.
I am also very afraid. I am afraid I’ll never see you again. I am afraid you will never forgive me. I am afraid to lose you, I am afraid you won´t listen to me now. I am afraid you will attack me with painful words for what I have said. I am afraid of being rejected by you. I am afraid of being rebuffed and laughed at because of my feelings. I don´t want to lose you. But I guess that happened long ago, I just hadn´t been notified.
I am afraid you’ll fall ill soon. I know you wouldn´t want it, but your overexertion and your sacrifice breaks my heart. I would so much want to look after you and help you. But I know you don´t need or want that from me.
I am sorry I hurt you.I am sorry I didn´t open up myself enough, until it was too late and you were not in a condition to answer, and probably you weren’t willing to, either. I am sorry if it seemed to you I never understood what you were trying to say. I am sorry I never told you how much what you did for me meant to me. I am sorry I never expressed my gratitude and joy when you were there for me on my birthday and all the beautiful things you said to me that day. I was still living off that joy when you decided to say goodbye. I am sorry I seemed to you so terrible that you had to leave. And I am sorry for being so proud that I could never stop defending myself. And then you couldn´t stop defending yourself. Is is so sad that we had to keep defending ourselves from a person that we loved.
I am sorry I never took you to meet my parents. But you never asked why I didn’t and I am afraid you might have got it the wrong way. It doesn´t matter anymore, though.
I love you. I love you so very much. And I don´t regret it, not for one second. My heart is yours because you healed it. My heart is yours because you took the time to care. I loved your eyes and your voice, and every inch of your body. But even more, I loved your soul and your mind. I loved your conviction, your honesty, your commitment, your caring for others. I loved you. And I love your fight and I lovw your determination and your strength. And I forgive you for the hurt you caused me, you’re still causing me. I know that you loved me as best you could and then you had to leave. Thank you for the time of your life that you gave me. Thank you for the days and nights we spent together. Thank you for this love and this pain which remind me that there is still life in me. I love you. Again. I love you.
If I could wish for anyhing, anything at all, I would wish for you. To have you back, to have you forgive me, to start all over again, to forget we ever grew apart and talk everything over. I would wish that we’d be together, that you tell me you accept me as I am and that you love me.