There are many lessons that we have come to life to learn. However difficult it may be to understand, the most useful ones are the ones related to suffering and pain.
The moment I say this, however, I come to realise that the lessons that encompass joy and loving come to us as difficult as may be, and perhaps for entirely different reasons. More of that to come.
Lessons. Lessons we have to learn. We have to learn to trust. Trust is essential to our survival. How can we live if we don’t trust that everytime we exhale we’ll be able to inhale afterwards? Would we close our eyes at night if we did not trust that the Sun will come back upo in the morning? And yet, for all we know, the Sun might not come up tomorrow morning. Or it might be us that don’t wake up. And still we trust. We trust our mother will come and feed us and put us into bed and will come back in the morning with a smile on her face and love in her eyes. And that may not happen.
And still we trust.
Trust is blind, or rather the capacity to do so is. We only trust on the basis of it having been true before, or because we have no proof to the contrary. Only we sometimes have proof to the contrary. But even so, have we another alternative?
Lack of trust petrifies. Lack of trust kills the soul. Yet meny times throughout our lives our ability to trust and endure betrayal is tested in cruel and horrific ways. When I was a girl, I found myself a “best friend” who not only betrayed my trust by telling all the classmates my parents were alcoholics but insulted me at every opportunity, wrote me horrible notes and left them on my desk and told everyone I had said things behind their backs, things she herself had said. Not only did I have to deal with the problems I had at home and not having anyone there to talk to, but I had given my loving and trust to a person who I considered my friend and who tried to destroy me.
Seldom do I think of this anymore, all these years later, but I am sure that it changed my life completely. I had been deeply hurt and it took me a long time to be able to trust again. I did talk to people and had a lot of friendly acquaintances, but not friends. The experience had been too painful.
As I grew older, I have found many loving people. And I have had to learn other lessons as well. Lessons on love. You know, it is hard to believe you deserve to be loved when so many people have hurt you. It is also hard to see what these people who love you might possibly see in you. These lessons are hard to learn not because they hurt, but because you try to rationalise things and understand. Love is not to be understood. Love is to be received and given back.
It is also difficult to learn to detach yourself from what other people do. Those people who have betrayed and hurt us did so because of their own inabilities to love, to care, to make the right decisions, to be honest and true. Being able to see this does not mean that disloyalty will not hurt. It does not mean that it will not matter. But it means that it will not destroy you.
For a brief time, this last betrayal made me regret ever loving, ever trusting the people involved. I gave the best of me to them and both were to low, too coward and too dishonest to speak the truth. Of course it hurt me. People will lie and cheat, people will do horrible things to you and then blame you so that they have an excuse to lie and cheat some more. After all I have learnt I refuse to let these people bring me down.
And only yesterday I was telling you I cannot trust anymore. You said I cannot, I should not stop trusting. But the truth is that I can’t. Because as long as I am trustworthy, and faithful and loyal I know that I can trust that there are people like me who deserve to be believed in.
I remember Liar Number 1 used to say: “Love does’t exist”. To me, the mere fact that you say that is proof that it exists. But now, I will go further and say that Love exists because I am able to feel it. Love exists because I can give it to others and I can give myself to those I love, even if they cannot love in return.
Which by no means I want in my life people who are love cripples. Ever again.
