My therapist says that my guilt stems from a strange belief that I am almighty. I think sometimes she’s right, but other times I am not so sure.
Trouble is, I grew up feeling guilty about many things. Then I grew to realise that I am not guilty most of the times, or at least not completely.
Guilt has made me overlook my own happiness or wellbeing so many times, when I have decided that other people’s happiness is more important than mine. I feel guilty about hurting others even when they have broken my heart. I don’t like to think about myself as stupid, but I have been TOO good sometimes.
Through guilt I have let many people dictate onto myself their mistaken opinions about me. I have believed those opinions are universal, fixed rules and I had to live by them. I am always angry, they say. I cannot be taken seriously. I am too blunt. I am too sensitive. Or, the greatest one of all: I am not a heartless bitch. (Though I cannot say I don’t wish I were, at least sometimes).
Oh so many times I have wanted to be “perfect” for other people’s sakes! But I suppose it is a part of growing up and with the years I have come to realise that those people who cannot accept my true essence might as well hit the road immediately. I am not about to defend myself. It happens so that I now feel I am perfect the way I am.
I am not angry all the time. Of course, except when confronted with sheer stupidity or injustice or dishonesty or incoherence. I should not let my mood be swayed by these things, especially because they so abound everywhere.
Yes, I always find something to laugh about. People with no sense of humour find this really frustrating. I simply find people with no sense of humour a bit dull and stupid. But fun to laugh at. Like this person who was my boss and always got angry when I joked about anything or this guy I dated who always had terrible timing for humour and jokes. But at least he could laugh.
It is true, however, that I use this as my armour, to protect myself from being attacked or hurt. Problem is, you see, it is always somewhat automatic.
Yes, I am blunt. I am overly sincere. Too much of an honest girl, most of the times. I confess I can be rude if I want to or am angry. But I pride myself in my honesty. I do not lie. I do not lie when I say I do not lie. You just don’t do that. It is unacceptable. And, to everybody’s surprise, it has won me more friends than enemies. Even people I frankly dislike prefer to come to me with their problems because they know I am sincere and honourable and shall never disclose their secrets.
And yes, I am too sensitive. I have a heart; a big, loving heart, surprisingly even for me, who thought it dead and broken. Almost a year ago I went looking for a fortune teller who said to me: “Love is wherever you go”. Sometimes I don’t feel loved at all but then I guess he meant I can never stop loving. That has been my blessing and my curse. I know I can speak of undying love because I have lived it.
It is true I have become hard-hearted and sometimes I think of myself as cruel. But then I realise that it is through guilt that I come to think of myself this way and I try and forgive myself and realise that, when I say to someone, like I did today: “I want you out of my life”, it is because I am looking after that heart that has been broken so many times and that is my greatest treasure.
Therefore, the verdict is: Not guilty.
