To A, in the last days of my love for him.
This excerpt I found in a book I read between yesterday and today. And this is what I have discovered about myself and my love.
“Your problem is you don’t understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back , the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. ” from Gilbert, Elizabeth. Eat Pray Love. Penguin, 2006 (p. 198)
I learnt so much from you. I learnt so much with you. I learnt so much in your eyes, in your kiss and in your body. I learnt so much from my tears and the devastating pain the loss of you brought to my heart. There are times when I feel I don’t have a heart any longer.
There were times when I thought I wouldn’t be able to breathe again, that I wouldn’t survive to see the sun the next day, that the pain in my body would never cease. There were times when tears would pour out of me as if some tap had been opened and I was so small and weak to close it.
I was too small and too weak. But I have had to grow strong. I have defeated the waves of self-pity and cowardice. I have had to let go of you. I still dread to look at my broken heart. I’m still not strong enough to look.
I am afraid that if I look I will hate myself for letting you do this to me, to bring all this damage to me.
But I still think that our lives crossed for a reason. I don’t know if you learnt anything from me. I learnt from your touch, I learnt from your kisses. I learnt from your hands and your skin and your eyes. And I learnt from your cruel silence. I learnt about my love and about myself, about my beauty and my strength.
My beauty and my strength.
And I have to let you go. You filled me, over the brim. You destroyed me. You burned me. And you gave me life. God bless you for what you were in my life. For the door you opened to love and pain and fear, for you have made me human.
You taught me. You loved me. And you gave the woman to me.
The cycle’s complete, this love is finished. And I will love you forever.
